My patient Patient

Penny had another breathing episode the other day. It had been months since she needed to be hospitalized. Normally, she gets some kind of mild cold that quickly goes into her lungs. We had been able to manage at home with albuterol through her nebulizer the last couple times and that always seemed to help her catch her breath.

This time however, it happened out of nowhere.

We had a great afternoon at a local farm, playing games and wandering around. She had a blast. We got home, ate dinner and put her to bed. About two hours after she fell asleep, she woke up coughing, to the point that she was gagging. I went in and offered her water but she just wanted to be snuggled. I held her for awhile but she was wheezing. I figured maybe it was allergies from the farm and gave her a breathing treatment. That seemed to help and she fell back asleep. She woke often in the night to cough.

In the morning, she was wheezing again, so I did another breathing treatment. It didn’t seem to help and I was getting worried so I decided to take her to another branch of the pediatrician’s office that has walk-in hours on a Sunday. After driving almost a half hour there, the line was out the door. There was no way she was going to be seen. I turned around and drove back home. I figured I would monitor her and continue treatments. She was upset and crying and tired. I held her in my bed and she dozed off for a little bit.

But soon things became emergent. She seemed in distress. I texted an old friend who is an ER nurse down at CHOP in the city and she urged me to take her somewhere.

I called an ambulance to the house. The local hospital is only 15 mins away but I couldn’t deal with having to strap her in her car seat while so upset and breathing poorly. And I was worried we would have to wait whereas if arriving by ambulance, you are taken right back and they are advised of the situation before arrival.

The ambulance was there within minutes. They strapped her up to the stretcher and monitors and I rode with her. She was looking pale and fell asleep. She woke up and vomited all over herself before falling back asleep.

When we got to hospital they put more monitors on her and changed her into a clean gown. They did lots of tests and took X-rays. She was given multiple breathing treatments and steroids and oxygen. She kept dozing off in between doctor check ins. She vomited again. At one point, she was able to eat an electrolyte ice pop and she loved it.

They diagnosed her with reactive airways disease, which is really just virus induced asthma under the age of 5. After a few hours, her breathing settled and the ER pediatrician gave the okay to be discharged. I really wanted to be able to take her home instead of having to stay overnight which the other doctors were thinking might happen.

As we walked out to the car, her breathing worsened again. I immediately thought we should take her back in. I let myself take her home though, thinking she would do better in her own home and I would just continue her treatments.

She fell asleep in the car and I sat and waited a half hour for her to wake up. She cried for awhile when she did and was hot and sweaty. I regretted not turning back into the hospital. I did another breathing treatment and got her to eat something before getting her to bed.

Over the next two days, she got breathing treatments every 4 hours, day and night. She was a trooper with the overnight treatments. I really thought she would struggle with falling back asleep but she went right back down every time. She is also receiving oral steroids twice a day.

I had a follow up appointment with her pediatrician today. Because of her newly diagnosed asthma, and with cold and flu season gearing up, she will be on inhaled steroids twice a day indefinitely. This will hopefully act as a preventive measure for any colds she catches so it won’t immediately attack her lungs and we can manage with breathing treatments at home when needed and hopefully avoid hospital visits.

She is such a trooper. Even the morning after her hospital visit; after I’d woken her up multiple times that night for treatments; she was happy to see me and asking for Lucky Charms.

There is nothing sadder than seeing your kid sick, and nothing scarier than when they can’t breathe right.

I’m thankful she is resilient and wants to play Barbies even when she’s not feeling well. I’m thankful she is patient with me, even when I’m not with her. I’m thankful she takes her treatments in stride for the most part. I’m thankful to be a stay at home mom so I can take care of her and not have other things to worry about. I am thankful for my hardworking husband who doesn’t snap back at me when I lose my temper in moments of stress and who provides for us so that money is not a thought when it comes to Penny’s care.

I am not always the greatest daughter or friend or wife but I have given my whole self into being Penny’s mom and I know at least, I am a good mom most of the time. I am not always a person that I recognize anymore, but I hope Penny will always see that she came first. I hope she doesn’t remember when I’ve gotten upset with her or been short with her. Sometimes the guilt is suffocating. I lost a lot of who I was when I had Penny and that means different things on different days.

But I want nothing more than for my daughter to be happy and healthy and to always feel that she was wanted and loved.

I am hoping this treatment plan will keep her out of the hospital as much as possible. As annoying as it is to do nebulizer treatments twice a day indefinitely with a toddler, it is a step in the right direction.

Between treatments at the hospital

Already smiling the next morning

❤

The News Story

I read a story about a 6 year old girl who was snatched from outside her home. She was riding her bike out front when a man pulled up and grabbed her by the collar and dragged her into his car. Thankfully, a neighbor witnessed the whole thing, and chased the man and within 30 minutes the man was arrested and the little girl was saved.

Along with the story was bodycam footage from the police officer. He opens the passenger side door and the little girl is barefoot and crying. She climbs into his arms and wraps herself around him. I watched this video over and over. Her cry is so sad, it reminded me of a certain cry Penny does when she’s fighting a nap.

This little girl is 6. 6! And she was out front of her own home just riding her bike. It was day time. Something about this story really struck me. I kept watching it and seeing her rescue and crying along with her.

When you think about having a child, you know your role as a parent is to protect them. But I thought of this more as making sure they wear a bike helmet, or helping them if another kid is being mean. But I never thought about having to protect her from adults.

I just can not wrap my head around the fact that there are disturbed adults out there that would see a child playing in the front yard and just take them. How are we supposed to protect our kids from that?

This girl was only 6.

How are we supposed to let our kids play outside or walk to the bus stop or a friend’s house? I never let Penny out of my sight at the playground. I want her to explore and have fun but I’ve also watched one too many Netflix crime docs. But now to think kids can be snatched from their own front yards? It’s horrifying.

When I was younger I was playing in the front yard of a friend’s house. A car drove around the block and circled back. A guy stopped and rolled down the window and asked for directions. I pointed him in the right direction but he asked me to come closer. Thankfully, my friend had the smarts to tell me we should go back inside, which we did and he drove away. But if she hadn’t said that, I probably would have gotten closer to the car and repeated the directions and who knows what could have happened. I didn’t think much of it at the time because kidnapping wasn’t a thing I thought about. But many years later, as an adult, I remembered this story and thought about how it could have been a possible kidnapping.

It’s really just so sad that we have to think about these things. I don’t know how to protect Penny from things beyond what kissing a booboo can do.

I keep thinking about that 6 year old. Her sad cry. The way she climbed into the officer’s arms. She was saved from any danger that afternoon but will she want to play in the yard again? Will she be scared any time a car pulls up near her? Tiny pieces of ourselves are lost every time something happens to us that we didn’t expect or understand at the time.

I want to protect Penny. But this is something beyond the parenting books.

❤

Gratitude

Lately I have been feeling really thankful for the way things have turned out in my life.

Growing up, I never really knew what I wanted to be or where I would end up. After high school, I went to college because that’s what everyone did and I didn’t have an idea about a different path. College wasn’t the best time for me. I was still figuring myself out and didn’t make a lot of friends and just wanted to finish my courses and get out of there. Which I did.

I finished my degree in Journalism, knowing halfway through the program that I actually hated it but didn’t want to start all over. The next few years, I bounced around jobs I didn’t really care about; law office admin, waitressing, cubicle work. Very unfulfilling stuff.

It wasn’t until into my 30s and adopting our first pug, that I wanted to shift my focus to animals. I got a job at an animal hospital. I met great people and they trained me well. After the birth of my daughter, I knew I had to find somewhere more flexible and a bit closer to home. It was all very abrupt, but I did find a new place to work that felt like I really belonged. I got along with everyone, loved the atmosphere, and really felt like I had purpose. After 9 short months, I left. It was not a decision I expected or wanted to make. They wanted me to work more hours which I wasn’t ready to do. I was having anxiety about leaving my daughter, and my husband was working nonstop. I felt like I finally found what I wanted to do with my life and the place I wanted to work, and suddenly, it wasn’t going to work out as I wanted. It was a really hard decision and I still miss it.

But lately, I feel grateful to have the opportunity to stay home with my daughter. It is not an option for a lot of people, and it’s not an option I had ever even considered for myself before, but it’s one I’ve grown to love. Especially as Penny grows, it’s nice to be able to go places and do things together. She’s my little buddy. And I am grateful to her for just what a good kid she is in general. She’s so sweet and kind and happy and funny. I like knowing it’s going to be the 3 of us forever.

I have also been feeling grateful for my home. I am so thankful that we moved when we did and where we did. Who could have known how crazy the world and market was going to be? We bought our home at the right time, totally by chance. Now, this house would have sold for a much higher price point than we could have afforded. I am thankful for our great yard and all the great parks and places for kids nearby. I honestly don’t know how we would have gotten by in a pandemic in our tiny row home in Philly. Penny loves being outside and being pushed around on her bike around the neighborhood. Even though our house is one of the smallest in our development, it is a great house with everything we need. Often I poke around on Zillow and dream of something more grand and spacious, but this is still a good house.

On top of that, I am thankful for the location. We are close to so many things. Endless parks, playgrounds, stores, events, restaurants, breweries, wineries… all within 5-20 minutes drive and yet I feel so safe tucked away in our little residential neighborhood. I didn’t know much about our area when we moved here, but it really worked out.

I feel like everything worked out the way it was supposed to, despite me not planning for any of it and having the occasional panic/anxiety/hesitation along the way.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this little life of mine, but I am so thankful to the universe for looking out for me.

❤

911

Last night, Penny was in the ER for respiratory distress and it broke my heart.

She had a cold for about 2 days, the normal runny nose, congested, overall gross feeling kind of colds, but no fever. She was in a good mood nonetheless. But yesterday after her nap, she wasn’t breathing right.

She seemed to be wheezing and taking big but short breaths. I hate to admit this, but I couldn’t decide whether this was considered urgent or if she was just working out some phlegm. She was still wanting to play. I texted some other mom friends a video of her breathing. I had made an appointment for the following morning with her pediatrician since they were closing that evening.

I didn’t like the way she was breathing. We decided to take her to pediatric urgent care just to be safe. As we were getting ready to leave, she vomited.

She vomited again in the car on the way there. We got to CHOP urgent care and I immediately cried to the intake person at the front desk. My baby wasn’t breathing right and she was covered in vomit.

They gave us a gown for her to change into and took her back immediately. They put lots of wires on her and determined she was in respiratory distress and called for an ambulance. I cried again.

They gave her steroids and a nebulizer treatment while waiting for the ambulance. They strapped her up on the stretcher and I rode in the ambulance with her. She received another nebulizer treatment on the way to the hospital.

Once we got to the hospital it was hours of observation and waiting and nurses and doctors and tests. She tested negative for flu, rsv, and covid. Her chest X-ray was clear. Finally they diagnosed her with acute bronchospasm and viral pneumonia. She got another breathing treatment. They felt comfortable discharging her around 11:30 last night. She was deliriously overtired.

She will continue steroids and nebulizer treatments at home.

She was so brave. She never once cried because she was hurting or scared. She was calm and let everyone do what they needed to do. Everyone kept commenting on how sweet and pleasant she was. She is so amazing. Even while struggling to breathe she wanted to play. Meanwhile I cried anytime someone looked at me.

Children are so resilient. In many ways they are stronger than adults. She continues to amaze me. Even in her worst moments, she was pleasant. She wasn’t afraid of the doctors or the ambulance or the hospital. She even squealed “weeeee” as they wheeled her down the hall to the X-ray room.

I am so proud of her. I am so lucky she is mine.

❤

One and done

Penny is reaching an age where other kids are starting to get siblings. She seems curious about babies. She will peek over and see what they are doing but then get distracted by a toy and go about her business.

Once I held a baby and she climbed into my arms and tried to push that baby away and then started to cry.

I truly think she is meant to be an only child. She is perfectly content to sit and play with her toys by herself. She will bring things over and sometimes want help pretend feeding her dolls or putting them down for naps.

When she’s around other kids at the baby gym or a friends house, she will often wave and say hi and then go run around by herself. She is curious about other kids, she will watch them play and see what they are doing, but she’s not at an age where she is necessarily engaging with them. She’s more or less playing next to them.

At one of my postpartum checkups, my doctor advised me not to get pregnant again until Penny was at least two. My body suffered a lot of damage and it needed time to heal in order to carry a healthy pregnancy in the future. The idea of getting pregnant again back then was laughable. I was hurting physically and mentally and I knew I was no where near stable enough to go through that all over again.

And 20 months later, I still feel the same way. I am still feeling traumatized about her newborn months. The thought of the lack of sleep and the endless feedings brings me back to such a dark place in my head.

It wasn’t what I had planned for myself. Matt and I had both thought we would have 2 kids. That’s how each of us grew up. It seems like such a natural thing to be a family of four and to have a built in buddy.

But since we had one, I just can’t see myself doing it all over again. I feel bad about it sometimes. I wonder if I am being selfish. I wonder if Matt really still wants a second. I wonder if Penny will be resentful about not having a sibling. It’s a lot to consider.

But I am not close with my sibling for various reasons. And right now, she seems so happy to have all of my attention. She gets the third bedroom as a playroom all to herself. She gets to go to art class and swim school and music circle and I am right there with her cheering her on.

People said I might feel different in the future about having another. And maybe they are right. But at this point I can’t see myself having another until Penny was school aged and by then, will I really want to do this all over again? I just don’t see it.

After our struggle to get pregnant the first time, I’ve thought and briefly researched about adoption. And even then, I don’t think I could adopt a newborn. I just feel so dark about that time. But these aren’t decisions I need to make any time soon.

One and done seems so final. But that is where I am at. I don’t want to sacrifice anything I have with Penny or frankly, any more of myself.

I hope she knows she was all I ever needed.

❤

The Guilt

It’s been awhile since my last post. I’ve started a few but then deleted them. Sometimes it was about what a great day we had, or how impressed I was with her, but then I’ll have a really difficult day with her and it washes away the good stuff.

This is where I’ve been finding myself lately. Stuck in the bad stuff. I have a lot of guilt about it. I get exactly one hour to myself at Pilates 4 or 5 days a week. All the other hours, I am being followed around by dogs and being clung to by a tiny human.

She has been really clingy lately and I’m not sure why. She wants to be held and sit on me and cries when I leave her eye sight. It is mentally exhausting. I feel guilt for wanting time away. I feel like I am a complete shell of the person I used to be.

And I don’t just mean that I’m no longer getting cocktails with my girlfriends (pandemic aside) like I used to, but my head space is so negative. I’m tired all the time. I never wake up and feel rested. She’s been sleeping through the night for months now, but I’m still not. I’m constantly jerked awake by a small noise she will make or my husband snoring or the dogs.

I’ve turned into this person I don’t recognize. I’m always snapping at my husband. I know it’s wrong the moment I do it. He’s trying to be helpful in ways I’m not finding helpful and I know it’s not his fault I’m so irritated all the time. But it’s easier to blame him and get mad at him than at my toddler who wants more of me than I have to give.

The guilt is overwhelming. Even now, as I write this, Penny is in her crib and crying. I am so broken up about it but I know she’s just tired and needs to go to sleep. If I try and console her, it will only make her more upset. But listening to my kid cry in her room alone guts me.

I am struggling a lot. All I know about myself now is that I’m a mom. All of my time is committed to my child and all of my thoughts are about her well-being, happiness, and schedule. My days consist of timing out her meals, snacks, sleep, and activities. All I am now is a mom. I don’t feel much like a good friend, daughter, or wife. I’m forgetful about texting back or checking in with people that really matter to me.

I feel guilt about how I’ve been treating my husband. I know he doesn’t deserve it. I know he’s trying. Today he gave me a gift for no real reason other than he thought I would like it. And it was a sweet gesture but I didn’t know how to accept it. I definitely didn’t deserve it. I’ve barely given him the time of day or had a real conversation that didn’t revolve around whether or not Penny pooped. I am irritable and frustrated and in the running for world’s worst wife.

I knew becoming a mom would change me. But I didn’t know how hard it would be. I didn’t know that I could possibly feel so lonely when I am never actually alone.

I’m not sure if the person I used to be is still there or if she’s gone forever. I know that I am a good mom, it is my whole life now. But I am not good at being anything else right now and I am saddened deeply by that. I don’t know how to get back the other parts of myself.

Penny did eventually calm down and put herself to sleep. I hope she never thinks I’ve abandoned her or don’t care when she cries. I am always feeling guilty.

❤

The Mom Bod

Last week I had an appointment with an endocrinologist. It took me a lot of phone calls, 40 pages of transferred lab work, and two months of waiting. I was interested in seeing an endocrinologist to help me work out my PCOS symptoms and hypothyroidism.

After my many follow ups with my Obgyn last year after my labor complications, I felt lost with my body. I didn’t really know anything about it anymore, and considering I wasn’t trying to get pregnant again, it seemed like there wasn’t really much to do for my PCOS symptoms. It’s one of those things most doctors don’t treat unless you want to have a baby. Well I had my baby… but now what?

I had originally opted to hold off on going back on birth control right away. I wanted to see if my body got a period on its own, and frankly, I was really tired taking medications all the time. I took pills to get pregnant, I took pills to manage my thyroid, I took pills for pain for weeks after labor. I wanted to know my body again, free of all the extra crap.

In the year following, I did get a period on my own. I was happily surprised! It wasn’t regular, somewhere between every 30-60 days. But my body did it all on its own. Eventually I also got off arthritis medication for my knees.

I started working out, doing Pilates 5 days a week. I lost about 20 pounds (40 since pregnancy). I was feeling better, but was stagnant. Months and months would go by and I didn’t lose any more weight. I didn’t know if everything was still okay.

The endocrinologist listened to me and ordered me more lab work to test for about a dozen other things. I had the blood drawn, about 7 vials, and waited to hear back.

In the mean time, I also had an appointment with the Obgyn… a different one than the two that had seen me through my pregnancy and labor, but she was familiar with me. She had seen me post op in the ICU. I didn’t remember her, but she remembered me. She listened to me too. She also ordered me lab work to test for the breast cancer gene, but that is an entirely different post.

The Obgyn had a hard time examining me. All the scar tissue pulled my uterus and cervix up high. TMI? I’ll stop. At the end of the day, my body is still healing itself. I had my baby. And I don’t plan on having more babies, so I don’t have to worry about the potential hostile environment that was left. It was good of the surgeons to save those organs though, I understand why they did.

A few days later, I heard back from my endocrinologist. I am healthy. So healthy. All of my hormones and levels are within normal range and I am no where near the prediabetic range which most people with PCOS seem to be, considering it can affect insulin levels.

The one interesting find was my type of hypothyroidism, which is called Hashimoto’s. I didn’t even know there were types of it. Similar to any other autoimmune disease, Hashimoto’s means that my body is continuously attacking my thyroid gland and destroying its tissues and reducing the thyroid hormone. Despite sounding horrible, it will just have to be closely monitored and my levothyroxine dosage likely increased over time as my body continues to attack the gland.

So, the good news is, despite feeling tired all the time and the frustrating inability to lose any more weight, I am very healthy. The bad news is, there is really no reason (thyroid aside) for how tired I am, for my lack of weight loss, and other symptoms.

Between the endocrinologist and the Obgyn, I was put back on birth control. It will help keep my hormones level and lower the risk of cervical cancer from irregular cycles.

But I am going to continue taking care of myself. I really enjoy Pilates. I am doing things I didn’t think I could do. I don’t eat great all the time… I still find joy in ice cream and nachos and I don’t want to have to snack on kale chips. But I am still seeing changes in my body. I see new muscles in my legs and arms (also from carrying around my 21 lb toddler). I can even feel abs underneath the dreaded c-section pooch. My face isn’t as puffy. I am healthy on the inside, despite the scale not moving for months.

I feel like I am in a better place with myself and my body than I was a year ago. I understand it more. It is a constant battle not to shame it, but I think that is true of most women.

It was incredibly confusing in the past couple years to find out about being hypothyroid and having PCOS and it leading to infertility when all I wanted was to get pregnant. But I finally feel like I have more answers than questions. I had my baby. My lucky Penny. And I am starting to get to know my body again. It is imperfect and works again me most times but it is still healthy and strong. It grew a human and now swings her around in the yard and runs after her.

It is the only body I get to have, and I am thankful for it in this moment.

❤

The Joy

There are some days when I feel like I absolutely nailed it as a parent. It’s easy to dwell on the bad days, but truthfully, they are few and far between. Mostly, Penny is such a joy.

I love how she has developed into this tiny independent human who understands and mimics things around her. She puts on her shoes and sunglasses when it’s time to go outside. She uses her fork and spoon so nicely. She runs a comb through her hair. She helps me get her dressed by putting her feet through her shorts and her arms through the sleeves.

A few months ago I read an article about how a child might go get her coat when she wants to go outside and I remember thinking how impossible that seemed at the time. And yet here we are, a toddler who understands that things happen in a sequence. She knows when it’s time for naps or bed. She knows shoes come off when we come back inside. She knows snack time means she can watch some TV. She even knows which remote to use. I am so in awe of her ability to grow and learn and understand and try.

She LOVES to be outside. We go out 3 or 4 times a day. She plays with her water table, goes in the pool, swings, and climbs up the playhouse and down the slide. She takes her buckets and drinks a lot of hose water.

When I nail a wake window and she goes to bed with ease, I feel like a rockstar. Most days she has two naps, but some times she will do one long one and then go to bed early. And then I sit in my bed and watch old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and I look at the monitor and I miss her. I just want to scoop her up and snuggle her.

Funny how that works. I miss her when she sleeps but sometimes when she’s awake, I’m counting down the minutes to her nap so I can get some time to myself.

I am so proud of her. And I think she is so proud of herself when she figures something out. I ask her to point to a picture of the cow or the pig and I watch her eyes scan the page looking for the right one. And then she gets a cute, shy smile on her face when she’s right.

She is so sweet and happy and chatty. When we go somewhere new or someone visits, she is very quiet and shy for about 10 minutes. She takes time to settle in and observe what’s going on. And then her personality comes out. She gets curious and wants to play and explore.

I am so happy she’s my kid. I’m so happy I had a girl. She fills me with so much joy. I put all of my energy into being her mom. Sometimes I feel like I lost my identity as anyone else along the way. I loved working at the animal hospital; I loved happy hours and girls nights at El Vez; I loved binging crime documentaries with my husband. I miss my friends and I miss wearing makeup and feeling like a wife. I live in sports bras and spandex pants and my hair hasn’t left the top of my head in months. I am none of the things I used to be. Being Penny’s mom consumes me. Sometimes it feels overwhelming, but I am so happy she is mine.

I am looking forward to trailing just behind her as she continues to explore the world around her. She reaches for my hand and pulls me along outside. She puts rocks in my purse.

She’s the best.

❤

The Fall

Today was a very hard day.

Penny took a spill down the stairs from the kitchen to the den. 3 stairs in total and they were hardwood.

We were sitting on the floor in the kitchen with crayons and scribbling on a pad of paper. Suddenly she stood up and started running toward the stairs. Either because I’m in my thirties or because of the arthritis in my knees, I couldn’t get up fast enough to stop her. I yelled at her to wait but as I reached where she was, she stumbled head first. I stood there in horror and shouted “oh shit” as her little body tumbled down. She landed face first on the floor. I ran down after her and scooped her up and she was crying so hard she barely took a breath. She was holding her hands to her mouth and blood was coming out of it. I held her so tight and said I was sorry.

After a few minutes, she stopped crying. I wiped away the blood and her tears. From what I could see, she had a small cut on her lip. I checked all her fingers and toes and made sure nothing was broken. I turned on her favorite show and let her sit and relax and she drank some water and had a snack.

Immediately I went online and ordered a safety gate. I had been hesitant to to get one before because it is in such an odd place. There aren’t even walls on either side it: one side has the banister and the other is cabinets.

Later I found her eating a crayon.

Even later, I realized she tore her lip tie. I cringed when I saw it. It looks really bad. She doesn’t seem to be bothered by it but I’m sure it hurts. Her little body is probably going to bruise and be sore for days.

In between all of this, and for the last few days, she has started having a temper tantrum when she doesn’t get her way. She whines or cries and throws herself to the floor or starts hitting her head or the ground in frustration. It is so sad to watch and I feel helpless and horrible.

I am only trying to keep her safe. I dread having to say no or take something away. I can see how easy it is to just let kids do what they want and not have to fight it or argue. I am trying to remain calm and tell her positive words and that I understand her feelings and that they are valid.

So yes, today was a very hard day. I keep replaying the few seconds I watched her fall. I’ve been trying for weeks to get her to go down the stairs properly, or at the very least to stop and wait. I feel so stupid for not installing gates.

My husband picked the gate up on the way home from work. I jammed it up against the cabinet so you can’t even open them and had to shove extra wood and drywall pieces in the uneven gaps along the floors. I have other gates up on the two other stairs now too.

I am so sad about what happened today. I almost wish I didn’t see her torn lip tie because of how gruesome it looks. I keep running my tongue along mine and imagine how awful it would feel if it ripped.

I gave her Motrin before bed just in case she’s in pain. I feel horrible…. completely defeated as a mom.

Today was a very hard day.

❤

The Leap

There are some days I feel like an absolute rock star mom. When things are good, they are good. Penny sailed right into toddlerhood with ease. I switched her to whole milk and took away her bottles by her first birthday and she didn’t seem to even notice. I felt like I really nailed it.

But when the days (or nights) are bad, they ruin me. The last few nights have been really tough. I feel like I have a newborn again. She has been protesting every time I put her sleep which is so out of character. For months I’ve laid her down and said good night and she’s put herself to sleep happily. But now she cries. And it breaks my heart.

I’ll go in and try and help her but when I leave she gets upset all over again. I don’t know what’s worse…. intervening or not. I am torn up and broken when I listen to her cry. I know she is otherwise okay and that she’s just tired but the minutes drag on when she’s crying. I wonder if she thinks I’ve abandoned her; if she thinks her mama hasn’t heard her cries; if she thinks she’s been left all alone.

Apparently she is in a leap, which is a scientific way of saying she’s being a complete nightmare and regressing because she is having a developmental jump. Something is growing and changing and she’s learning and it’s surfacing itself into this protesting, crying, fighting sleep, toddler I don’t recognize.

They say the years are short but the days are long. Well the nights are even longer. I find myself regressing too…. back into that confused, fuzzy, sad, and frustrated mental state that haunts you for the first 2 months or so. Having a newborn was the hardest thing I ever did. I cried more than she did and none of us slept.

She is such a joy 90% of the time. She walks around the house exploring every room and drawer. She grabs her shoes and stands by the door when she wants to go outside. She holds on to rocks and sticks like they are absolute treasures. She eats well and makes funny faces to get a laugh. She smiles when I walk into a room.

But it’s the crying when I leave the room that really weighs heavy. That 10% of the time when she is being stubborn or clingy or fighting sleep…. it ruins me as a mom. I feel the switch in my mental state and I feel myself shutting down. I crave to be alone and I feel terrible about it.

I often find myself looking ahead. Dreaming about when she will be old enough to go to school and then I’ll have the days to myself. Maybe I’ll be a lady who lunches or finally get that Pilates body or get a massage or see a movie! My god, it’s been so long since I’ve gone to a movie and had an icee and pretzel bites.

But then I also think about how I’ll break when I drop her off. How sad I will be if she clings to me and cries and I just have to leave her there. I think of how sad her little crying face is when she falls or wants me. And even though it is so frustrating to not get alone time, I know that I am her whole world and this is all she knows and wants right now.

I wonder if all moms are like this. My heart bursts with joy and breaks almost simultaneously. The bad nights can put a damper on such a lovely day. Perhaps being a mom is just barely holding it together, all the time, for the rest of our lives.

Being a mom is so confusing and frustrating. I’m not the kind of mom I thought I would be. I thought I would be laid back and go with the flow. Instead, I have anxiety if I have to go somewhere and it messes up her naps. I couldn’t go back to work like I planned to because I couldn’t leave her.

Seems like we need each other these days.

❤