There are some days I feel like an absolute rock star mom. When things are good, they are good. Penny sailed right into toddlerhood with ease. I switched her to whole milk and took away her bottles by her first birthday and she didn’t seem to even notice. I felt like I really nailed it.
But when the days (or nights) are bad, they ruin me. The last few nights have been really tough. I feel like I have a newborn again. She has been protesting every time I put her sleep which is so out of character. For months I’ve laid her down and said good night and she’s put herself to sleep happily. But now she cries. And it breaks my heart.
I’ll go in and try and help her but when I leave she gets upset all over again. I don’t know what’s worse…. intervening or not. I am torn up and broken when I listen to her cry. I know she is otherwise okay and that she’s just tired but the minutes drag on when she’s crying. I wonder if she thinks I’ve abandoned her; if she thinks her mama hasn’t heard her cries; if she thinks she’s been left all alone.
Apparently she is in a leap, which is a scientific way of saying she’s being a complete nightmare and regressing because she is having a developmental jump. Something is growing and changing and she’s learning and it’s surfacing itself into this protesting, crying, fighting sleep, toddler I don’t recognize.
They say the years are short but the days are long. Well the nights are even longer. I find myself regressing too…. back into that confused, fuzzy, sad, and frustrated mental state that haunts you for the first 2 months or so. Having a newborn was the hardest thing I ever did. I cried more than she did and none of us slept.
She is such a joy 90% of the time. She walks around the house exploring every room and drawer. She grabs her shoes and stands by the door when she wants to go outside. She holds on to rocks and sticks like they are absolute treasures. She eats well and makes funny faces to get a laugh. She smiles when I walk into a room.
But it’s the crying when I leave the room that really weighs heavy. That 10% of the time when she is being stubborn or clingy or fighting sleep…. it ruins me as a mom. I feel the switch in my mental state and I feel myself shutting down. I crave to be alone and I feel terrible about it.
I often find myself looking ahead. Dreaming about when she will be old enough to go to school and then I’ll have the days to myself. Maybe I’ll be a lady who lunches or finally get that Pilates body or get a massage or see a movie! My god, it’s been so long since I’ve gone to a movie and had an icee and pretzel bites.
But then I also think about how I’ll break when I drop her off. How sad I will be if she clings to me and cries and I just have to leave her there. I think of how sad her little crying face is when she falls or wants me. And even though it is so frustrating to not get alone time, I know that I am her whole world and this is all she knows and wants right now.
I wonder if all moms are like this. My heart bursts with joy and breaks almost simultaneously. The bad nights can put a damper on such a lovely day. Perhaps being a mom is just barely holding it together, all the time, for the rest of our lives.
Being a mom is so confusing and frustrating. I’m not the kind of mom I thought I would be. I thought I would be laid back and go with the flow. Instead, I have anxiety if I have to go somewhere and it messes up her naps. I couldn’t go back to work like I planned to because I couldn’t leave her.
Seems like we need each other these days.
❤
My Dink Life 